Prayer

“Prayer takes practice, and we should remind ourselves that skilled people were not born with their skills.”
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 45

Ok, this prayer and higher power thing is probably the hardest thing for me to accept. I am a spiritual person, I go to a Quaker Meeting, I have begun to practice Tai Chi, and commune with nature as much as possible - so I believe I am pretty spiritual. Praying is not something I am or ever will be comfortable with. We live within the energy that exists, and that energy is in all things, and we must seek ways to listen to this energy in all things.

Prayer is a foreign thing to me. I am at peace with this and feel that I can be working on my steps, and still fulfill my spiritual need to give up power to a higher being, since I never thought I had that power and have always believed there was a purpose to my life and to go through what I have. Dunno... enough rambling for today.

Fellowship

“In NA, our joys are multiplied by sharing good days; our sorrows are lessened by sharing the bad. For the first time in our lives, we don’t have to experience anything alone.”
                                                                                  - IP No. 16,
                                                                                    For the Newcomer

Will say that is true, and has been helpful as I transition from one life with someone constantly around, to just me and my dog.

Honest relationships

“One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of personal relationships.”
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 55

It is true, but i am finding that I am still losing the one thing that matters to me... we had a fight last night over something I wanted to share as a request for something more, a symbol of love that makes talking to people easier to keep it on the friend side... The symbol was a ring, a ring that would allow me to show I am taken, so I don't have to worry about people thinking I am looking... I know I am not, yet she sees me initiating the interaction... I love her with all my heart, and hope she just wants to meet me tomorrow... wants me around... because there is nobody I want in my life more. Been crying pretty hard tonight... think i might have ruined the best thing that has ever happened... over expressing that I wanted a ring to show my relationship status... wanting to be a taken man... thinking i am doomed to be the loser man without anyone but my dogs.

Going beyond Step Five

“We may think that we have done enough by writing about our past. We cannot afford this mistake.”
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 32

Welp, not even at step one yet, been suppost to be going to as many meetings as possible, but finding it difficult to go to more than my home meeting... been finding it hard to call my sponser each and every day, but I am going to make the best of my circumstance as i have been swamped with work, and hardly have time for this... ok... enough for now.

People Guided by a Higher Power

"Daily practice of our Twelve Step program enables us to change from what we were to people guided by a Higher Power."
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 83

Who I have been before I quit is someone I don't wish to be anymore, and the one I wish to be is a man good enough for more than a pathetic existence. I really seek the light and feel I have been looking for it all along, and fear that I am going to be kept from making a real positive difference in the lives of others, other than my own. I have grown believing in myself, it has always been weird to me that everyone else has not. I know there are great possibilities there with Doreen, and really hope she sees the same... I awoke feeling like there may be trouble in our paradise... and that is what is on my mind... makes me kinda freaked out today... and maybe I am just being silly... maybe I am completely attuned to my life... we will see.

Wise and loving decisions

"We become able to make wise and loving decisions based on principles and ideals that have real value in our lives."
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 101

I actually thought while I was using that I was making the right decisions, and real positive moves toward a better life... but instead i became ruled by the need to use and that would and did affect others in my life... I am glad and thankful today that is not the case, just wish I had an aptitude for remembering personal things of my friend's and loved ones as well as I do computer stuff. Anyway... interesting one for the day... need to work and make the decision to work like a beast today and get thru a good swath of work... more tomorrow.

... now anything is possible?

"Hopeless living problems have become joyously changed. Our disease has been arrested, and now anything is possible."
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 102

Will say this is heard to believe that "anything is possible" when things have been so hard for so long with everyone I knew thinking I am a lost cause when none of them ever successfully reached out in any way to make a true difference. Quite frankly I feel like I was just written off and to believe there is nothing but possibilities is also another scary and unbelievable thing when so much of the possibilities I had came from others that were connected with. I wanted to make a difference like they did and I learned a lot from causal conversation that is few and far between these days. So believing the world is my oyster is a hard thing to believe.

The Light of Exposure...

"These defects grow in the dark and die in the light of exposure."
                                                                                    - Basic Text. p. 31

So, if you know where this quote comes from, then you know the rule... nobody talks about it... publicly. But here I am, deciding to blog about some of it... at least the daily meditation. I know that I am tired of sharing the ugly truth of my existence and in therapy to accept it. Since I have enrolled in this process, i have been telling those who need to know, so I can grow... in the midst of this, I chose to put into my calender the days of my sobriety reminders... today: 247 Days (8.23 Months) Tobacco Free and 189 Days (6.3 Months) Pot Free... So... here i am wasting time fiddling with my calender... need to call my sponsor today and setup my initial meeting to explain why I am going to meeting in the first place... all a little scary, and not looking forward to spewing my life story all over again to another person... just gets tiresome... anyway, must keep it in the light of exposure to cure myself fully... and I am enrolled... just gets tiresome... more tomorrow... peace.

Been a while...

145 Days Cigarette free... been rough, been really rough... just seeing someone smoking makes me want one. But the decision has been made, and it has been getting easier... looking forward to the day that it is a bit more easy. Still kinda rough.

Been a while since i wrote here, and will say that with the new way of life, writing has been harder to swing. Wish i could be more free to discuss things here, and will need to make sure the bLogs are more separated from my business life so i can be more free to write what i need to write. Till then, suffice to say is that it is nice to be still here and kicking... will let you know when i am sure.

peace for now.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Everyone who wishes to know... birthday today... not gonnah say how old I am, but will say - WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAMMIT! (hehe)

48 Days SMOKE FREE!!!!! Yeah!