bLog: the daily thoughts

Just an update…

2011-03-16T14:23:00.005-04:00

Welp, here I am, and decided to write. A lot has been going on socially in my life. My friends of a few years have been a bit flaky as of late. Emmet keeps finding something wrong with our friendship, and creating consternation, yet still, he has completely dropped the ball in terms of getting beyond the petty, and into acceptance of the friendship. Been kinda bumming me out… Abby, has been a bit MIA and acting a little odd as well…

Guess I need to start expanding my "friends" and pursuing new directions… it is time.

Well, here again at another holiday…

2010-11-23T16:43:00.005-05:00

… this one maybe more bitter sweet than most. Really wish I was still with the woman of my dreams, would have had her meet the parents, when and if they ever get out here. Seems most of the family have been there, but me. So, need to get to that. Was thinking of taking a road-trip. Would be grueling, but could be done in a marathon on the way there, and two days on the way back. Always seems to work that way for me.

As per my work, some interesting stuff in the pipeline that will keep me busy, and looks like a lot. Portfolio is going to be also changed to the same software, JOOMLA… kind of psyched, there are some really nice templates out there, that require minimal editing. So excited about that, and the improved ease there will be in updating.

Will say, getting all the iPhone/iPad and Android SDKs into my main machine… kind of excited. Some interesting ideas a-foot. Will say, making apps will be a fun thing to do. Will have to make some dumb one. Just as a way to get a basic understanding of the process. Do I hear a BURP WAR APP - record a burp, and let others rate it! (LOL)

Everyone needs closeness with others… Emmet has been a good friend. So has Abby, despite her and I being a bit snippy as of late over the whole EX dealio. Sucks…

Welp, done for now… peace, love & happiness. Oh, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Think I am destined to be alone...

2010-11-08T02:52:00.001-05:00

... and I think the idea sucks. Been really shitty as of late. Don't know what to do about it. Not even sure if I want to.

OK. Another changing direction....

2010-11-01T21:13:00.004-04:00

Getting much of what is needed done to some online projects. So I am glad about that. Looking to make some changes to my portfolio site, and may actually create a frameset that adds some value. So, enough with work stuff.

Looks like I may have met someone. She has been flirting with me over SMS and IM. Very, VERY sexy girl, and I hopeful that we will fit and I am able to be there for her. I want someone like her, at least the idea of what we have so far. We will see.

Anyway... not looking forward to the jackhammer over the next few weeks. They are replacing my sidewalks in my apartment complex... so the whole area sounds like jackhammers all day long! UG! Anyway... more later.

This was going to have a different flavor...

2010-10-07T06:02:00.004-04:00

Been thinking a lot lately about women, and the idea that they seem to be a little "shell shocked" by most "men." I know I seriously have had my moments, but I know I never threatened anyone that I was interested in. Been down a few rocky roads with a few, and also shared the closest and most wonderful moments with a yet still another few. I have learned what sets me off, and what makes me happy, content - satisfied. I know this because of the cavalcade of women in my life. Now, that I am ready to settle down, relax, and enjoy life... nothing but "grenades."

I know I am ready to be the man any respectable, sane and smart woman would want. Just the selections are quite slim... I am healthy, clean, and good to go... ready to be a dad. Just wish someone else thought I would make a good dad. Last girl left me feeling a bit like I was unable to be a great and sensitive adult. I am ready to sign up, had enough of just wishing for it... But alas, that means I must deal with the shrapnel that seems to be left - and that sucks. Because, I am tired of being there for everyone else. I would like to see someone here for me & the us that is.

Life is simpler than what people seem to make it - especially some women. While others seem to be lost in their own cycles, I am seeking someone who breaks the circle that we all seem to grind into a rut usually, & brings joy to my world, & completes it. Seems so much like the "picket fence" fantasy... who knows. Maybe I will get hit by lightening too. Anyway... enough for now.

Pealing the Onion Back...

2010-09-07T19:57:00.007-04:00

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."
~ Carl Sandburg

It is a funny thing... I really think that most people, the deeper that you dig, the more you didn't want to see. When it is the initial beauty of an interaction, we can sometimes miss the smaller things that make it harder and harder to accept someone for whomever they are.

Here, I must admit I always had a hard time writing a sentence that is not over-thought and rambles. It has always been the way that I write. Wish it didn't get me in so much trouble all the time.

Anyway... like having this secret spot to write online. Hope it inspires, makes you also look deeper into your life and learn to accept the things you usually thought you could not. Everyone has a story, and despite the story, they all need love.

Well, after looking over the last few posts...

2010-09-05T01:49:00.007-04:00

Know yourself, know the character of people in your life, then figure out whom you can trust.
- Carolyn Hax

I am realizing how much I let people affect my view of self, and my self-worth. Again, here I am alone again, after a ugly breakup, and ugly truth of how someone saw me. It was a dark, and painful thing to see. I was 100% open and honest. Even with the ugly, and the past that is not what I want today. I have been working very hard to distance myself from the mess I was as a child, and into my post "V" days... and now I watch myself fall apart a little when the ol' "D" has gone... pretty down. Really dug "D" soul and will miss the smiling eyes, and smiling voice... it was a soothing and luscious escape.

I actually feel pretty good about the end of all of this... just wannah know when the next adventure begins... I know I have a lot of work to get thru, but lets see what happens... no more NA posts... I need to not let others define me. Don't know what else to say... it was uncool how un-reasonable some people get about just being real. Anyway... I was 100% proof ok... and 100% honest... and didn't like it one bit... when people just act detached from the truths their life has become. Anyway... seems like mumbo-jumbo. Makes some sense to me. Anyway... until we meet again.

Prayer

2009-09-21T09:14:00.007-04:00

Prayer takes practice, and we should remind ourselves that skilled people were not born with their skills.
- Basic Text. p. 45

Ok, this prayer and higher power thing is probably the hardest thing for me to accept. I am a spiritual person, I go to a Quaker Meeting, I have begun to practice Tai Chi, and commune with nature as much as possible - so I believe I am pretty spiritual. Praying is not something I am or ever will be comfortable with. We live within the energy that exists, and that energy is in all things, and we must seek ways to listen to this energy in all things.

Prayer is a foreign thing to me. I am at peace with this and feel that I can be working on my steps, and still fulfill my spiritual need to give up power to a higher being, since I never thought I had that power and have always believed there was a purpose to my life and to go through what I have. Dunno... enough rambling for today.

Fellowship

2009-09-19T15:02:00.015-04:00

In NA, our joys are multiplied by sharing good days; our sorrows are lessened by sharing the bad. For the first time in our lives, we don’t have to experience anything alone.
- IP No. 16,
For the Newcomer

Will say that is true, and has been helpful as I transition from one life with someone constantly around, to just me and my dog.

Honest relationships

2009-09-18T06:55:00.006-04:00

One of the most profound changes in our lives is in the realm of personal relationships.
- Basic Text. p. 55

It is true, but i am finding that I am still losing the one thing that matters to me... we had a fight last night over something I wanted to share as a request for something more, a symbol of love that makes talking to people easier to keep it on the friend side... The symbol was a ring, a ring that would allow me to show I am taken, so I don't have to worry about people thinking I am looking... I know I am not, yet she sees me initiating the interaction... I love her with all my heart, and hope she just wants to meet me tomorrow... wants me around... because there is nobody I want in my life more. Been crying pretty hard tonight... think i might have ruined the best thing that has ever happened... over expressing that I wanted a ring to show my relationship status... wanting to be a taken man... thinking i am doomed to be the loser man without anyone but my dogs.

Going beyond Step Five

2009-09-17T11:05:00.004-04:00

We may think that we have done enough by writing about our past. We cannot afford this mistake.
- Basic Text. p. 32

Welp, not even at step one yet, been suppost to be going to as many meetings as possible, but finding it difficult to go to more than my home meeting... been finding it hard to call my sponser each and every day, but I am going to make the best of my circumstance as i have been swamped with work, and hardly have time for this... ok... enough for now.

People Guided by a Higher Power

2009-09-02T06:38:00.007-04:00

Daily practice of our Twelve Step program enables us to change from what we were to people guided by a Higher Power.
- Basic Text. p. 83

Who I have been before I quit is someone I don't wish to be anymore, and the one I wish to be is a man good enough for more than a pathetic existence. I really seek the light and feel I have been looking for it all along, and fear that I am going to be kept from making a real positive difference in the lives of others, other than my own. I have grown believing in myself, it has always been weird to me that everyone else has not. I know there are great possibilities there with Doreen, and really hope she sees the same... I awoke feeling like there may be trouble in our paradise... and that is what is on my mind... makes me kinda freaked out today... and maybe I am just being silly... maybe I am completely attuned to my life... we will see.

Wise and loving decisions

2009-09-01T12:24:00.007-04:00

We become able to make wise and loving decisions based on principles and ideals that have real value in our lives.
- Basic Text. p. 101

I actually thought while I was using that I was making the right decisions, and real positive moves toward a better life... but instead i became ruled by the need to use and that would and did affect others in my life... I am glad and thankful today that is not the case, just wish I had an aptitude for remembering personal things of my friend's and loved ones as well as I do computer stuff. Anyway... interesting one for the day... need to work and make the decision to work like a beast today and get thru a good swath of work... more tomorrow.

... now anything is possible?

2009-08-31T12:08:00.008-04:00

Hopeless living problems have become joyously changed. Our disease has been arrested, and now anything is possible.
- Basic Text. p. 102

Will say this is heard to believe that "anything is possible" when things have been so hard for so long with everyone I knew thinking I am a lost cause when none of them ever successfully reached out in any way to make a true difference. Quite frankly I feel like I was just written off and to believe there is nothing but possibilities is also another scary and unbelievable thing when so much of the possibilities I had came from others that were connected with. I wanted to make a difference like they did and I learned a lot from causal conversation that is few and far between these days. So believing the world is my oyster is a hard thing to believe.

The Light of Exposure...

2009-08-28T08:13:00.008-04:00

These defects grow in the dark and die in the light of exposure."
- Basic Text. p. 31

So, if you know where this quote comes from, then you know the rule... nobody talks about it... publicly. But here I am, deciding to blog about some of it... at least the daily meditation. I know that I am tired of sharing the ugly truth of my existence and in therapy to accept it. Since I have enrolled in this process, i have been telling those who need to know, so I can grow... in the midst of this, I chose to put into my calender the days of my sobriety reminders... today: 247 Days (8.23 Months) Tobacco Free and 189 Days (6.3 Months) Pot Free... So... here i am wasting time fiddling with my calender... need to call my sponsor today and setup my initial meeting to explain why I am going to meeting in the first place... all a little scary, and not looking forward to spewing my life story all over again to another person... just gets tiresome... anyway, must keep it in the light of exposure to cure myself fully... and I am enrolled... just gets tiresome... more tomorrow... peace.

Been a while...

2009-05-18T14:38:00.004-04:00

145 Days Cigarette free... been rough, been really rough... just seeing someone smoking makes me want one. But the decision has been made, and it has been getting easier... looking forward to the day that it is a bit more easy. Still kinda rough.

Been a while since i wrote here, and will say that with the new way of life, writing has been harder to swing. Wish i could be more free to discuss things here, and will need to make sure the bLogs are more separated from my business life so i can be more free to write what i need to write. Till then, suffice to say is that it is nice to be still here and kicking... will let you know when i am sure.

peace for now.

Happy Birthday to ME!

2009-02-17T08:30:00.000-05:00

Everyone who wishes to know... birthday today... not gonnah say how old I am, but will say - WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAMMIT! (hehe)

48 Days SMOKE FREE!!!!! Yeah!

Ok... 22 days into the quit.... ( getting thar... )

2009-01-22T12:14:00.010-05:00

... i really hurt, miss my girllie AKA dewie-doe... she was really the most amazing thing i have ever experienced in my life... for years, i thought there was something wrong with me, that i pissed people off, and everyone would seem to fight with me... girlfriends were all like this, but two, where levels of this kind of agitation, caused a myriad of drama/fights... Doreen made me calm... in fact so calm, that my friend Abbey saw the change in me and made a point of noticing, unsolicited...

we could talk and work thru things really calmly until the beginning of my debacle started as we left Chicago... (will admit i was stupid here... suffice to say it was uncool...) calling Abbey, in tears, from a rest stop...

dewie and i really had been able to talk through things in an awesome way... i actually realized the significance of this in respects to helping inform my search for "the one"

Anyway, i spent the last 5 days trying to keep her from leaving to "get space." (major red flag - either you know you want "us" or you don't... any successful marriage that i know, "they knew" - maybe not immediately - but they knew. ) Because what she told me did not match what i saw in us or what she thought i wanted.

There is lot of love she has, had... and, supposedly now i have ruined it all... (boy i REALLY wish i had not, or that she even told me that) because honestly, i would like to think, my next relationship is always my last... these days it is getting really hard, as i feel more ready than ever... really more so, than ever before... anyway... to make a long story short: spent 5 days emoting (being the loud/sad emo boy) and prolly ruined everything... and that sucks. plain and simple...

why am i writing a blog entry about it - AND POSTING IT?! Well... easier than repeating this story to all my friends, reliving it in each conversation, is not something i want for me. I also know, i am not that far gone to realize, i have value, worth the win - and hope she finds the love that she desearves...

i have always had faith in myself, despite the world/situation... otherwise the growth and learning could never be possible... and i actually believed i could be the everything for this woman... and i will miss that possibility... because we seemed to fit better than anyone i have met for 18+ years...

i will miss her deeply... it is has been tough, not to want to call her, see her smiling face, walk on the right side... yeah... right side only... will always be special to her, for me... kindah sucks though - when and if i do get married i will definately think of her... remember and want to hear that happy hello, the one that was there before all of what now is, is.

i/it also probably did a good job in the subsequent "painting me worse" than i was for trying to "work it out" while possibly fully expressing true and honest-wacky-neurotic-ex-smoker brain in the deepest withdraw in years or in the current vernacular: was a whacked out emo boy... the whole spectrum of emotions/fears/loves in and of my life, i tragically tried only to share 100% and be in the conversation so that we BOTH had a complete understanding of where we were... and well... suffice to say... i lost her...

just spent the morning crying today... (had to put this into some rhetoric - to communicate the truth of what is in me... even if it is whimpy/sad/weird/or-what-ever-ya-want) at least it is from the heart flow (ironically i never wrote the words... "heart flow" is a line from a song - corny in a good way.) just wish it was enough for her to see how much she made me who i now know i can/could be with the right person...

i know that will take time to allow myself to just mourn this loss, that i will always wish i could have been more patient... because i do love her... i am just tired of the search, so bad, so bad... and that search, hoped, was over.

i am also sure this post will piss some others off, and will not say who... just gonnah say, "sorry i could not be more." i really needed to say this here... so that i/we can heal and move forward with love in our lives. i am very tired from all of this... i just want peace and happiness for you and yours... always have and will...

well... peace ya'all - more laterz....

The FED is Collapsing: Ron Paul

2008-11-28T15:40:00.005-05:00

Barak Obama in Berlin (2008 July 24)

2008-10-20T07:28:00.011-04:00

"A World that Stands as One"
July 24th, 2008 - Berlin, Germany

Thank you to the citizens of Berlin and to the people of Germany. Let me thank Chancellor Merkel and Foreign Minister Steinmeier for welcoming me earlier today. Thank you Mayor Wowereit, the Berlin Senate, the police, and most of all thank you for this welcome.

I come to Berlin as so many of my countrymen have come before. Tonight, I speak to you not as a candidate for President, but as a citizen - a proud citizen of the United States, and a fellow citizen of the world.

I know that I don't look like the Americans who've previously spoken in this great city. The journey that led me here is improbable. My mother was born in the heartland of America, but my father grew up herding goats in Kenya. His father - my grandfather - was a cook, a domestic servant to the British.

At the height of the Cold War, my father decided, like so many others in the forgotten corners of the world, that his yearning - his dream - required the freedom and opportunity promised by the West. And so he wrote letter after letter to universities all across America until somebody, somewhere answered his prayer for a better life.

That is why I'm here. And you are here because you too know that yearning. This city, of all cities, knows the dream of freedom. And you know that the only reason we stand here tonight is because men and women from both of our nations came together to work, and struggle, and sacrifice for that better life.

Ours is a partnership that truly began sixty years ago this summer, on the day when the first American plane touched down at Templehof.

On that day, much of this continent still lay in ruin. The rubble of this city had yet to be built into a wall. The Soviet shadow had swept across Eastern Europe, while in the West, America, Britain, and France took stock of their losses, and pondered how the world might be remade.

This is where the two sides met. And on the twenty-fourth of June, 1948, the Communists chose to blockade the western part of the city. They cut off food and supplies to more than two million Germans in an effort to extinguish the last flame of freedom in Berlin.

The size of our forces was no match for the much larger Soviet Army. And yet retreat would have allowed Communism to march across Europe. Where the last war had ended, another World War could have easily begun. All that stood in the way was Berlin.

And that's when the airlift began - when the largest and most unlikely rescue in history brought food and hope to the people of this city.

The odds were stacked against success. In the winter, a heavy fog filled the sky above, and many planes were forced to turn back without dropping off the needed supplies. The streets where we stand were filled with hungry families who had no comfort from the cold.

But in the darkest hours, the people of Berlin kept the flame of hope burning. The people of Berlin refused to give up. And on one fall day, hundreds of thousands of Berliners came here, to the Tiergarten, and heard the city's mayor implore the world not to give up on freedom. "There is only one possibility," he said. "For us to stand together united until this battle is won...The people of Berlin have spoken. We have done our duty, and we will keep on doing our duty. People of the world: now do your duty...People of the world, look at Berlin!"

People of the world - look at Berlin!

Look at Berlin, where Germans and Americans learned to work together and trust each other less than three years after facing each other on the field of battle.

Look at Berlin, where the determination of a people met the generosity of the Marshall Plan and created a German miracle; where a victory over tyranny gave rise to NATO, the greatest alliance ever formed to defend our common security.

Look at Berlin, where the bullet holes in the buildings and the somber stones and pillars near the Brandenburg Gate insist that we never forget our common humanity.

People of the world - look at Berlin, where a wall came down, a continent came together, and history proved that there is no challenge too great for a world that stands as one.

Sixty years after the airlift, we are called upon again. History has led us to a new crossroad, with new promise and new peril. When you, the German people, tore down that wall - a wall that divided East and West; freedom and tyranny; fear and hope - walls came tumbling down around the world. From Kiev to Cape Town, prison camps were closed, and the doors of democracy were opened. Markets opened too, and the spread of information and technology reduced barriers to opportunity and prosperity. While the 20th century taught us that we share a common destiny, the 21st has revealed a world more intertwined than at any time in human history.

The fall of the Berlin Wall brought new hope. But that very closeness has given rise to new dangers - dangers that cannot be contained within the borders of a country or by the distance of an ocean.

The terrorists of September 11th plotted in Hamburg and trained in Kandahar and Karachi before killing thousands from all over the globe on American soil.

As we speak, cars in Boston and factories in Beijing are melting the ice caps in the Arctic, shrinking coastlines in the Atlantic, and bringing drought to farms from Kansas to Kenya.

Poorly secured nuclear material in the former Soviet Union, or secrets from a scientist in Pakistan could help build a bomb that detonates in Paris. The poppies in Afghanistan become the heroin in Berlin. The poverty and violence in Somalia breeds the terror of tomorrow. The genocide in Darfur shames the conscience of us all.

In this new world, such dangerous currents have swept along faster than our efforts to contain them. That is why we cannot afford to be divided. No one nation, no matter how large or powerful, can defeat such challenges alone. None of us can deny these threats, or escape responsibility in meeting them. Yet, in the absence of Soviet tanks and a terrible wall, it has become easy to forget this truth. And if we're honest with each other, we know that sometimes, on both sides of the Atlantic, we have drifted apart, and forgotten our shared destiny.

In Europe, the view that America is part of what has gone wrong in our world, rather than a force to help make it right, has become all too common. In America, there are voices that deride and deny the importance of Europe's role in our security and our future. Both views miss the truth - that Europeans today are bearing new burdens and taking more responsibility in critical parts of the world; and that just as American bases built in the last century still help to defend the security of this continent, so does our country still sacrifice greatly for freedom around the globe.

Yes, there have been differences between America and Europe. No doubt, there will be differences in the future. But the burdens of global citizenship continue to bind us together. A change of leadership in Washington will not lift this burden. In this new century, Americans and Europeans alike will be required to do more - not less. Partnership and cooperation among nations is not a choice; it is the one way, the only way, to protect our common security and advance our common humanity.

That is why the greatest danger of all is to allow new walls to divide us from one another.

The walls between old allies on either side of the Atlantic cannot stand. The walls between the countries with the most and those with the least cannot stand. The walls between races and tribes; natives and immigrants; Christian and Muslim and Jew cannot stand. These now are the walls we must tear down.

We know they have fallen before. After centuries of strife, the people of Europe have formed a Union of promise and prosperity. Here, at the base of a column built to mark victory in war, we meet in the center of a Europe at peace. Not only have walls come down in Berlin, but they have come down in Belfast, where Protestant and Catholic found a way to live together; in the Balkans, where our Atlantic alliance ended wars and brought savage war criminals to justice; and in South Africa, where the struggle of a courageous people defeated apartheid.

So history reminds us that walls can be torn down. But the task is never easy. True partnership and true progress requires constant work and sustained sacrifice. They require sharing the burdens of development and diplomacy; of progress and peace. They require allies who will listen to each other, learn from each other and, most of all, trust each other.

That is why America cannot turn inward. That is why Europe cannot turn inward. America has no better partner than Europe. Now is the time to build new bridges across the globe as strong as the one that bound us across the Atlantic. Now is the time to join together, through constant cooperation, strong institutions, shared sacrifice, and a global commitment to progress, to meet the challenges of the 21st century. It was this spirit that led airlift planes to appear in the sky above our heads, and people to assemble where we stand today. And this is the moment when our nations - and all nations - must summon that spirit anew.

This is the moment when we must defeat terror and dry up the well of extremism that supports it. This threat is real and we cannot shrink from our responsibility to combat it. If we could create NATO to face down the Soviet Union, we can join in a new and global partnership to dismantle the networks that have struck in Madrid and Amman; in London and Bali; in Washington and New York. If we could win a battle of ideas against the communists, we can stand with the vast majority of Muslims who reject the extremism that leads to hate instead of hope.

This is the moment when we must renew our resolve to rout the terrorists who threaten our security in Afghanistan, and the traffickers who sell drugs on your streets. No one welcomes war. I recognize the enormous difficulties in Afghanistan. But my country and yours have a stake in seeing that NATO's first mission beyond Europe's borders is a success. For the people of Afghanistan, and for our shared security, the work must be done. America cannot do this alone. The Afghan people need our troops and your troops; our support and your support to defeat the Taliban and al Qaeda, to develop their economy, and to help them rebuild their nation. We have too much at stake to turn back now.

This is the moment when we must renew the goal of a world without nuclear weapons. The two superpowers that faced each other across the wall of this city came too close too often to destroying all we have built and all that we love. With that wall gone, we need not stand idly by and watch the further spread of the deadly atom. It is time to secure all loose nuclear materials; to stop the spread of nuclear weapons; and to reduce the arsenals from another era. This is the moment to begin the work of seeking the peace of a world without nuclear weapons.

This is the moment when every nation in Europe must have the chance to choose its own tomorrow free from the shadows of yesterday. In this century, we need a strong European Union that deepens the security and prosperity of this continent, while extending a hand abroad. In this century - in this city of all cities - we must reject the Cold War mind-set of the past, and resolve to work with Russia when we can, to stand up for our values when we must, and to seek a partnership that extends across this entire continent.

This is the moment when we must build on the wealth that open markets have created, and share its benefits more equitably. Trade has been a cornerstone of our growth and global development. But we will not be able to sustain this growth if it favors the few, and not the many. Together, we must forge trade that truly rewards the work that creates wealth, with meaningful protections for our people and our planet. This is the moment for trade that is free and fair for all.

This is the moment we must help answer the call for a new dawn in the Middle East. My country must stand with yours and with Europe in sending a direct message to Iran that it must abandon its nuclear ambitions. We must support the Lebanese who have marched and bled for democracy, and the Israelis and Palestinians who seek a secure and lasting peace. And despite past differences, this is the moment when the world should support the millions of Iraqis who seek to rebuild their lives, even as we pass responsibility to the Iraqi government and finally bring this war to a close.

This is the moment when we must come together to save this planet. Let us resolve that we will not leave our children a world where the oceans rise and famine spreads and terrible storms devastate our lands. Let us resolve that all nations - including my own - will act with the same seriousness of purpose as has your nation, and reduce the carbon we send into our atmosphere. This is the moment to give our children back their future. This is the moment to stand as one.

And this is the moment when we must give hope to those left behind in a globalized world. We must remember that the Cold War born in this city was not a battle for land or treasure. Sixty years ago, the planes that flew over Berlin did not drop bombs; instead they delivered food, and coal, and candy to grateful children. And in that show of solidarity, those pilots won more than a military victory. They won hearts and minds; love and loyalty and trust - not just from the people in this city, but from all those who heard the story of what they did here.

Now the world will watch and remember what we do here - what we do with this moment. Will we extend our hand to the people in the forgotten corners of this world who yearn for lives marked by dignity and opportunity; by security and justice? Will we lift the child in Bangladesh from poverty, shelter the refugee in Chad, and banish the scourge of AIDS in our time?

Will we stand for the human rights of the dissident in Burma, the blogger in Iran, or the voter in Zimbabwe? Will we give meaning to the words "never again" in Darfur?

Will we acknowledge that there is no more powerful example than the one each of our nations projects to the world? Will we reject torture and stand for the rule of law? Will we welcome immigrants from different lands, and shun discrimination against those who don't look like us or worship like we do, and keep the promise of equality and opportunity for all of our people?

People of Berlin - people of the world - this is our moment. This is our time.

I know my country has not perfected itself. At times, we've struggled to keep the promise of liberty and equality for all of our people. We've made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions.

But I also know how much I love America. I know that for more than two centuries, we have strived - at great cost and great sacrifice - to form a more perfect union; to seek, with other nations, a more hopeful world. Our allegiance has never been to any particular tribe or kingdom - indeed, every language is spoken in our country; every culture has left its imprint on ours; every point of view is expressed in our public squares. What has always united us - what has always driven our people; what drew my father to America's shores - is a set of ideals that speak to aspirations shared by all people: that we can live free from fear and free from want; that we can speak our minds and assemble with whomever we choose and worship as we please.

These are the aspirations that joined the fates of all nations in this city. These aspirations are bigger than anything that drives us apart. It is because of these aspirations that the airlift began. It is because of these aspirations that all free people - everywhere - became citizens of Berlin. It is in pursuit of these aspirations that a new generation - our generation - must make our mark on the world.

People of Berlin - and people of the world - the scale of our challenge is great. The road ahead will be long. But I come before you to say that we are heirs to a struggle for freedom. We are a people of improbable hope. With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again.

Senator Barak Obama

Use my Photographs to Stop the Worldwide XDR

2008-10-13T16:57:00.004-04:00

Photojournalist James Nachtwey sees his TED Prize wish come true, as we share his powerful photographs of XDR-TB, a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis that's touching off a global medical crisis. Learn how to help at http://www.xdrtb.org

My "weigh-in" on the current economic crisis...

2008-10-12T13:18:00.004-04:00

... ok... we are going to probably feel the effects of this "crash" of the economic de-regulation of the markets for years... will we be affected as small businesses and citizens on what they are calling "main street"? I seriously fear that this is just a tip of the iceberg that may be a symptom of something greater, or even more corrupted.

15% of the world population owns 95% of the wealth... and, in my eyes, this is the root of the issue. We need a more even distribution of wealth to STABILIZE the economy, and make more opportunities for people in need, living from pay-check to pay-check. Provide education, health care, and the basics of creating a situation that allows ALL man provide their own part of the whole. We need to be united in a new cause, one that will be bold, an awaking of the nobel spirit in everyman, allowing them to focus on personal and interpersonal expansion and enrichment.

Remember what it was like after 9/11? We all were personable to each other, for a month, then got tired of the effort... its sad. We need a way back to actually caring for all beings, all great, and small...

McCain On the Internet: ‘I’m Learning to Get Online Myself'

2008-07-14T00:00:00.006-04:00

John McCain has acknowledged that he is “an illiterate” when it comes to computers. He said he “has to rely on his wife for all the assistance he can get.” At the Personal Democracy Forum last month, McCain aide Mark Soohoo argued in McCain’s defense that “you don’t have to use a computer to understand how it shapes the country.”

read more | digg story

Bush Heckled During July 4th Speech!

2008-07-06T15:18:00.006-04:00

It's The Fourth of July, but not everyone was in a festive mood when President Bush delivered a speech Thursday at Thomas Jefferson's famous home, Monticello. Cries of "War Criminal" and "Fascist" are heard! Pretty wild stuff... Video available!

read more | digg story

War in Iraq: The Cost, Consequences & Ramifications

2008-06-21T19:50:00.002-04:00

Charlie Chaplin Quote from 1940

2008-06-14T14:28:00.009-04:00

I am truly amazed at how much this resonates in today's world. This is from the 1940's and could have been written yesterday, or filmed yesterday. We need to listen to this as a people... with open hearts and minds.

I’m sorry but I don’t want to be an Emperor - that’s not my business - I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible: Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another, human beings are like that.

We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful. But we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate; has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in: machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical, our cleverness hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me I say “Do not despair”.

The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress: the hate of men will pass and dictators die and the power they took from the people, will return to the people and so long as men die liberty will never perish.

Soldiers! Don’t give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you and enslave you - who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel, who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men, machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines. You are not cattle. You are men.

You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don’t hate - only the unloved hate. Only the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers - don’t fight for slavery, fight for liberty.

In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written: “the kingdom of God is within man “. Not one man, nor a group of men - but in all men - in you. You the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy let us use that power - let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give you the future and old age and security.

By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie. They do not fulfil their promise, they never will. Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfil that promise. Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness.

Soldiers - in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

A Design is Finished when... 23 Pro Designers Opinion's

2008-06-02T13:07:00.006-04:00

This stuff is amazing to look at as well as some of the perspectives of some of these artists was interesting and educational to me.

Chris Haines - http://neondistractions.com

One of the most important and hardest things to overcome when designing is to understand when the piece you are designing on is actually finished. while creativity is sometime boundless the end result should always be the result of a clear objective, the end result. Kewl story... check it out!

read more | digg story

Amazing, yet still, very sad song.

2008-05-22T16:37:00.004-04:00

Disney releases a Chihuahua movie!

2008-05-21T11:43:00.005-04:00

Please welcome our new dog into our home...

2008-05-19T14:49:00.004-04:00

We love her, and she is the sweetest thing you will ever meet.

The History of Marrjuana (2007)

2008-03-31T13:26:00.001-04:00

Life, et al.

2008-03-28T19:40:00.003-04:00

Wow... feeling spanked by life again, to my chagrin... and all of it deeply saddens me that the desire to create a cohesive whole has become belittled and tossed off as rediculousness... just wish I knew how else to feel... everything seems so "up in the air" and that scares me.

FULL LENGTH MOVIES on HULU.COM!

2008-03-20T16:03:00.007-04:00

Ok, this is why i would NOT reccomend this site... had some awesome movies i wished to share and POOF, as you see below. They even PROVIDE an embed tag! Then REMOVE the content?! Lame... and out of step.

Will day this is a really nice thing, working thru the library that when watched puts ads in - keeping the service FREE... which is ALWAYS nice... and as you can see, get embeded in any browser page... very kewl. The number of Movies by Studios released so far is limited, but very awesome.

The Conan-Colbert feud is ON.

2008-01-20T01:07:00.002-05:00

For weeks, Colbert's called Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee a friend of The Colbert Report, who was only seriously considered after appearing on the show. But then Conan claimed that his Walker, Texas Ranger shtick re-energized Chuck Norris's career; thus Norris's endorsement of Huckabee is all thanks to him. So who's right?

read more | digg story

Do you have to pay Federal Income Tax?

2008-01-08T00:45:00.002-05:00

This is a must watch for those who think with both sides of your brain!

read more | digg story

Ok... update time for those who actually read.

2007-11-25T01:36:00.000-05:00

... welp - gave thanks to people who i wish knew i still cared for them like friends, even though it seems i must be some old weirdo. it has been a strange night, but as the ebbs of the current circumstances seem to continue, i will say i see the reasons... the reasons that are greatly different then most of this blog covers... but suffice it is to say, i was made an example of, of what was wrong at CM at the time - wish i could have been part of the solution for a vastly improved CM that now exists - it rocks... and it sucks, cuz i really like the place.

i don't want back to work there, nor do i wish to be near certain negative people who seem to have open emotional wounds. i will not, nor wish to, and/or could ever fix the state of things. it always sucks being on my receiving end of the horror that seems to find us all. but the really sad part is, i did really care, and if people were open and honest with me, it always worked well. i really hate the games that people play with each other as a matter of design. my life is definately not as bad as some others i have seen. all i ever want is to be around the campfire of that child-like-artist mentality.

i am actually content as i am working toward shedding some old debts, and secure in where i am with the positive work environment that i have now found myself within, and really wish i was not. which sounds strange and contradictory i know. but i am in the best learning environment i have ever been in, and this is when i get scared - scared that something is comming. my parents are old, and i know that i feel that pressure. i also know i feel so much frustration that people would rather see me negatively, (btw - this is definately not everyone.) and that hurts... i must admit. i am also sad the we fear each other as much as some seem too and that too is sad, and hurts. but i am glad to feel the hurt, at least i know i truly tried to reach out to another human - i just wish i could do it more often than i currently do. experience more of the sun-of-the-sum of life. even though the flower children of the past believed in love, i still believe that just simply we must love and have compassion for anyone and everyone. man that - really - really sounds corney, but i fear that we have forgotten that fear is the mind killer, and i fear the killer of much more. still, here i wish there was a way to show that somehow in some kind of great work. anyway, enough of this rant about nothing, blather and mental mastrubation.

Welp, guess this is where i say, i am sure there will be more, been feeling the drive to get back to this blogging thing... feel like i do have something to say... but my mind is in a million different places... thinking about starting some kind of other substantive design projects... got an interesting 3d one in mind... anyway...

more ramblings drivle later...

The Black Hole Of The Internet ( DIGG Image )

2007-08-31T11:18:00.002-04:00

It surprising which parts of the Internet where information can flow freely - never blindly believe everything that you read.

read more | digg story

The Color Green - Marijuana Prohibition Documentary

2007-08-10T07:09:00.002-04:00

The Color Green - A short-format documentary about the greed and hypocrisy surrounding the most widely used "illicit" substance out there: cannabisCovers in brief the reasons behind marijuana prohibition, the punitive consequences of prohibition, medicinal use, and alternative systems of cannabis regulation

read more | digg story

Canada has gone to pot!

2007-08-08T10:48:00.002-04:00

In the industrialized world, Canada ranks number one— in its use of marijuana, that is. Wild story about CANADA... and we may want to realize that drugs are not going anywhere and that we need to be more practical about it. Prohibition has NEVER worked, and I am waiting for the US to realize this.

read more | digg story

take another stroll with me my friend...

2007-04-10T01:21:00.000-04:00

... and see that the ones we hate is exactly the ones we need to help the most... American Christians have it wrong... and that is my thought for today.

oh, my, gyod! my brain hurts...

2007-02-20T04:11:00.000-05:00

and here i sit, with a little insomnia from my quitting smoking drugs, and have been a bit wigged 2night - almost lost my phone, and a 1hr trip turned into a 3 hour adventure and i had a bad night, freaked out with a panic attack as 6 people all decided to call me at the same time... sucks when i am driving, and the phone thing sent me on a personal rant on myself for being so friggen careless...

tomorrow is the big day...

2007-02-13T02:02:00.000-05:00

... err, today actually. i need to remove all smoking stuff from the place and just focus on the drugs that will make it easier than before, and have faith i have made the right choice this time. i can fall back after this week a little... but the way i am feeling, i may be ok. besides, i really don't need to be around people who wanna may me feel bad about the person i happen to like, me. i have always thought projection is like the most seriously common form of self denial.

well... the drugs have been helping...

2007-02-10T04:19:00.000-05:00

definately feeling different about the whole process... and wish things we of a more positive vibe around me... would make quitting easier. been a rough night and life... but i know things are getting better for once... now just need to one, two the brochure and letterhead.

the quitting of cigarettes has begun...

2007-02-06T18:47:00.000-05:00

started Chantrix today... already started noticing a difference... i wanna start talking about this 3 month experience, and how i feel about taking any drugs like this... gonnah be like $400 to quit at the end of all of this... really sucks, but i will say - after taking the first dose, there is a noticable difference when i smoke... will be interesting as the week progresses. by next tuesday i should really not want one... will be interesting to see.

contentment is more important...

2007-01-08T14:31:00.000-05:00

... if we are truely here for one another, the meaning in the words are never personal... and negativity, like attitudes, as it pertains to me, are percieved and never given. while some may think that this may or may not be true, i really attempt to be straight with everyone, and usually even when they don't wannah hear it. a majority of the time it is because i believe it to pertenent to making my deadline or keeping you "up-to-speed" with me. if every question needs to be clarified: it should be asked if needed, and sometimes this can be done in smaller pro-active progressive sharings of further permutations realized under existing paradigms of client project workflows. the idea of breaking down projects into smaller pieces, to distribute the increased flow of new information, is a very serious focus for me in our new workflow paradigm. like every design house should run, everyone should / deserves an oppurtunity for input, everyone should / deserves a chance for trashing a project, not the person... i have been wanting to clarify the details further and now it looks like i am getting the chance to do it now.

Some things are better left unsaid... which i know to be true - we all want some companionship, but the most important companion in your life: is your self. you always must heal that first, then you will be able to heal others. surprising as it may seem to some: bitching does not always equal being "a-crotity-ol-bitter-bastard" and if you think i am negative, PLEASE STOP PROJECTING YOUR OWN NEGATIVITY onto me and my desire to JUST do the best god-damn job possible and be the best gosh-darn mensch, period! because we all will prosper.

my parents rock!

2007-01-03T14:02:00.000-05:00

because i have people that care, i gotz me a new car! it rocks! took a two hour drive with renee yesterday... didn't turn out that nice... gonnah have to pick a new direction next time. renee was also kewl with the help on getting them my deposit of way too much money... so - hey! i am now a PROUD saturn owner.

the self-fulfilling prophecy of my life.

2006-12-29T06:02:00.000-05:00

i know i don't need to like someone to work with them, problem is - never feels that way in respects to how people treat me. i am who i am, and i am actually pretty content (minus the few, needless aggravations that only result in continued loss of production... but who cares? i am the one who ends up taking the blow for the team, even when i was told i had "nothing to contribute.") and it is amazing how many people assume a lot about me without thinking positively about any individual in the first place. (Self-fulfilling Prophecy - seek negativity, and you get - negativity. assume i am an ass, and that seems how many people see me... you see an ass.) i am not really that bad... i know - been living with myself, my whole life. was out of touch for a while, but have been pretty clear on who and what i know i am about these days... yet, when i am open, people look for the vulnerabilities, and pick, pick, pick. ( that is why i have changed the tone here a bit... ) i am not trying to change anyone else, but it seems everyone wants to change me... i am tired of everyone thinking they know better than the next... also wish i was a better prose writer... but... ANYWAYz... i know cab drivers that could probably run fortune 500 companies, and because i know that, knowledge is not restricted to the self-righteous elitists out there, i know it can be found in some of the seemingly most unliklyist of places. question is: can you take the time to listen with a desire to be constructive, not destructive in your criticisms?

"God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
- Reinhold Niebuhr (1943)

i know i am always trying to, each and every today, the first day of the rest of my life - just wish i could have team-players that chose to care about my "creative space" and the draws on my time outside of work. anyway - just don't know when i will get past the hostility directed toward me... i really do not try and give that out... seriously... i will always be trying to improve the team, because "together everyone achieves more" and divided we fall.

New Years Resolutions

2006-12-28T15:20:00.000-05:00

1. Be more focussed on productivity.
2. Quit caffine, cigarettes.
3. Get new glasses.
4. Get the teeth fixing process underway.
5. Get DVD sent to family with a cover letter.
6. Streamline homeoffice. <-- Underway!

*** More to be added - 10 is always the goal.

My NEW 2007 Ion!

2006-12-26T22:49:00.000-05:00

ahhh, I am like so friggen excited and my ion is a stick! luv it. Should be in my greedy hands by Saturday... very excited... my first REAL car... can't wait. Just wanna go for like a 4 hour drive tomorrow... need to explore - now i can. been feeling very scared to go anywhere because i was afraid i would break down... with a 100,000 mile power-train warrenty - if anything weird goes in the italian transmission - it is covered... i am so psyched!

been enjoying these moments with you...

2006-12-16T17:00:00.000-05:00

... my friend in the ether, the nebulous dark regions of the web. the whole of us. the light within this plethora of words placed together to form amazing new associations yet to be discovered, seeking new and wondrous illuminations on ideas never yet thought. the possibilities seem endless and makes the focusing more difficult.

ok... enough with the friggin 'ok's!

2006-11-16T09:41:00.000-05:00

like i said... i will attempt to no longer start with 'ok' in my blog - too informal... actually trying to get back to the writing of my youth, and ATTEMPT to get more grammatically "sound." Had to much flack for no good reasons, as of late... and it is sad. anyway...

people on the road of life are pretty wacked...

for example: this mornining saw my like 5th rear collision accident on the road from someone who was following too close. it truely blows my mind... premis: you are in a 1/5 ton vehical that can kill someone if misused... why jeapordize yourself, and others? leave a 4 second gap... why not? leaves room for thers who need lane changes, and gives you ample time to react... it seems wacked that we would wannah be any different...

ok... here is some more rants from the old and tired rhelm.

2006-11-15T20:21:00.000-05:00

ok... wish people would stop talking about me in a negative way, or see me as a negative person incapable of reason. be straight with me, and don't tell me one thing, set me up to believe you, then attempt to make me look bad, when i make completely NORMAL assumptions around what we discussed. I have some serious issues with people who act frightened or fearfull of me... i would NEVER harm a FLY, yet i am seen as someone who might... pretty screwed if you ask me. i have WAY more "faith in self" then many seem to lately think i do - who wouldn't be hurt, to think that people would rather see me negatively instead of living the only way needed - loving all - regardless of your judgements of them. all i can say - being the fool shows who would take advantage... and i love to watch who would use it to their own advantage... definately a symptom of a character flaw and an eye opener, in my opinion.

ok... decided to do a late night rant...

2006-10-11T04:07:00.000-04:00

... i am frustrated that people seem to see me as a negatively orientated. i really don't see that... i choose words to communicate a concept, with a very serious attempt to NOT convey a negative perspective. yet, sadly to my discovery, people of late say that is not the case. it makes me wanna cry, seriously - no joke.

it has been brought to my attention that i, "play games," and that, "i am angry with people/world." i know that for a FACT that i definately DO NOT play "psycho-babble-like" games with anyone (I am NOT a Shrink - FOR A REASON) and frankly i am tired of being told i am angry... trust me - if i was ANGRY, i, DEFINATELY will TELL you. TRUST ME, you will NOT wonder if i am angry - i will SAY SO.

i may be redundent, repeat the thoughts in my head, just to bounce ideas around... i do listen, and have strong opinions that i have been taught to voice, honestly. I find it offensive that anyone would play with anyone's "comfort-zone" or "push-buttons" in the first place - ask ANYONE of my family! Seriously! I see this as probably the biggest and the most f'd up thing to use others in any negative way just to justify one's own existance in the world at their expense. Why people think i like or wanna try to do that to anyone else, baffles my mind beyond belief.

i value the work environment just as much as anyone, and think focus should be on finding positive ways to improve, accept others, and find ways to work within available dynamics. Creative flow depends on the paticipants feeling "safe" to be open and honest about projects, devoid of personal attachment to an issue. One needs flexabiliy, and a "warmth of spirit" for all those involved. And to say this is not what i strive for, completely saddens me more.

lately i feel very "beat-up" by all of this... it makes me wannah cry. i REALLY do not know where this negativity about my person has formed as of late... seriously... it isn't so simple, and do not wannah seem paranoid, but do not understand the hatred for me, when i could never hate anyone... seriously...

ok... i need a break... drink some more coffee, and hug myself...

i have faith in my spirit... i do to the innermost portion of my soul... and i will not let this grind my faith-in-self and faith-in-my-company and its employee's down.

last, it is important to be honest... and strive to be 110% honest and true to my vision of greatness for all that surround me and realize that anything of worth was never easy, and every design/idea/concept can see improvement... even the perfect one.

ok, here is a cliche i live by: "there is no such thing as bad criticism, only bad ways of taking it." i will admit my input feels dismissed by some as arguementative, as well as my subsiquent reacting poorly to being told how i feel (officially a BIG pet peeve - ask anyone who knows me - you will **NEVER** know how some FEELS w/o ASKING.) i will never really understand how ANYONE can say how ANYONE feels with out this simple question being asked - and the answer heard.

all i wanna do is get along with everyone, and it seems like i get along with nobody... i really just care about computer aided graphic design, screenwriting, and design theory... wanna write a design manual... started taking notes... its scary... but it means progress is happening - for once. i seriously do not understand people ability to see that i am extremely devoted to living life with a feirce passion and love and strive for unity, and an understanding of the natural order of design/life/society. i will never understand why anyone would see me as a "negative" when i live my life constantly working for the positive imporovement in all the lives that surround me... yet i feel like i am seen as a monster - still... and i SERIOUSLY do not get that.

and on one last note, i know that i care/respect everyone and hope someone sometime finds this in me - for i am just small part of you.

standing within this void...

2006-10-10T13:48:00.000-04:00

... somwhere the people who were happy to see me, have all turned cold... i have more faith in self than these that see me.

oh, life sucks then you die...

2006-09-17T20:16:00.000-04:00

... like my pet of 18 years... don't get me wrong, i know i am gonnah be upset that my friend of 18 years is passing tomorrow... he has gone incontinent and cannot hold anything down anymore... and well... he is just plain sick. and well... i have to take his existamce and enjoyment of life is not what it used to be, and i cannot save him with the limit funds i have. So... off to the SPCA tomorrow... and it makes me sad. He will be missed!

(oh and for all you netazins to think this is stupid, he was there thru 5 girlfriends, and many homes, and was always my friend... and it just wish people were that way.)

I have tried for the last 5 months to get him better... and things are just not the same anymore... it is his time... and that is sad.

yet another day passes...

2006-08-28T17:08:00.000-04:00

... and somehow i have committed myself to some stuff with my roommate that again takes time from my day, with deadlines looming... my life sucks seems to filled with stuff that i used to ignore, because: it took too much time... i wanna hire someone to do my laundry, and cleaning... would be nice to have a "guy-friday."

welcome to the new homestead...

2006-06-01T03:05:00.000-04:00

ok... moved because i gohtz a pool now... yeah! (heh) really tho - draggin' the feetz with this blog - besides get all discouraged with the humor about the fact that nobody wants to read someone elses blog... i will say the way that deal with the real world has changed because i have tried to be 100% truthful about how i feel about things... makes the need to explain in the real world less nessisary... dunno... there is more to it than this to me and really hard to put a frame around for you nor i to see.

so here i am, living with a female... yes, a real live one, no blow up doll, no girl-friend, but a girl-pause-pause-friend... yet, there seems a need and want for more, and i think i need to say to my guns, and not be "pressured" into something that i will regret when i am 50... anyway... just wish i could have a friend that is a woman these days, without them thinking i want more... always related better toward women... sure its because of my childhood in some freudian way.

ok... more as time allows.

ok... an entry out of the need to rant a bit...

2006-03-21T23:55:00.000-05:00

well... where to start... supposidly i am incoherent, and such a threat to the positive karmah of the CM even when 80% of the people i worked with would have dissagreed... somehow i am a threat, and i am not even sure what i did. just not sure what i did that made everyone so hostile... several people who i thought were being friendly, turned on me... it is strange to me... especially when i know i did nothing to provoke.

i am no fool, and i also know there maybe more to this than meets the eye... and it sucks. I miss the CM and the feeling of child-like excitement it welled up in me... and when i tried to get a fix last fryday, i was turned away because bob specifically told people at the bar to not let me in... and i refused to make a big deal out of it... i just wanted one drink before going down the slide i used to go down for months. I have been in the real world long enough, i needed to get back to the way i felt while working there...

i just wish i knew what was up... wish someone would tell me so i could correct false belief's about who and what i am about... typical kinda thing, and people wonder why i get upset... how am i suppost to learn and correct what it seems has made me such a parriah. sometimes i feel like someone used me to solidify their own position at the museum at my expense... all i know is that all of this is way over the top and wish there was a solution...

just had to get back to writing here...

2006-03-17T16:52:00.000-05:00

been so busy with things i hardly wannah do any of this typing stuff... and i am sure you could care less... but what can i say, i seem to rub people the wrong way by just breathing... always been that way... sad really when someone chooses to lash out instead of being real. its really hard to explain and i am always seriously the one who never seems to understand... it is always interesting who gets weird.

hmmm... things that make you go... hmmmm!

2006-02-04T15:22:00.000-05:00

ok... many of you don't know what this means... but suffice to say that it is about "friend" who can't be straight with me... and shit like that pisses me off...

went to hang at the "sci-fi-lounge" a week ago now... it seems... jarad was there... implied he no longer worked at the restaurant (never mentioning the what new job was - he expected me to quiz him - instead of just sharing the "news" in a non-testing manner that just tested me for "listening") with the amout he is "hangin" with museum croud, makes me wonder if he didn't just help my demise along... wouldn't surprise me... probably being paranoid... but he has yet to even attempt to talk or act like a friend by apologizing. i know i ain't gonnah be the first one to admit he was being an ass... not in this case... i brought him into the "fold" to get my back, and when i asked for his help... he dissapeared and left me hanging... sucks... i know nick encouraged our astraingement by getting in the middle, and jared doesn't see it... then acts all better-than-thou... pretty fucked up that he thinks so little of me and my ability to be a friend he doesn't have the balls to talk about it.

all i know is it sucks some days to friends with younger people, they don't get what real freindship is yet.

censorship

2006-01-22T17:16:00.000-05:00

ok... been seeing a "clean-up" of our world from "porn" and i will admit that i am amazed that so many people are so twisted about their own sexuality... and the need to control others and make them not see something, that very simply is... natural. this, has got to be one most beautiful things ever to exist within creation itself... yet there is so much guilt and stratagems that only minimize the beauty and true spirituality that should exist, and usually do exist, between people...

and why should we shield our children? but, rather, we should share why these things may, or may not be, the best choice and why. people will do what they are gonnah do... that is the fundamental meaning and true reality of freedom. we should not try and re-write the evolving cascade of expression, but rather make it safer for those involved, educate the children and the rest of us to the reality of all the dangers. in this way an educated person can make their own - choices. just don't forget to show, share and include us all in all of the beauties within life.

now... back to the root cause of this banter... at the TRIBE.COM they have instituted a CENSORSHIP POLICY that allows members to "FLAG ADULT/OFFENSIVE" button... and all i gottah say is that not all images that people say are offesive, may be to everyone else, and to define where that line is, well... is like asking what the meaning of life is, and comparing the million-plus different answers...

to me... if this is the case, we are trying to fix the symptom... the lack of intimacy in these days. (heh - could be me projecting a bit here... but it is how i feel lately.) we need to focus on the people... not the symptom... the symptom just tells us what people need... because we all seek a safe place to be, exist, and live in peace and comfort, and make a family, and yadda... yadda... yaddah... if this is true, we need to just make sure we are not stepping on each other... and be more constructive, rather than destructive.

do... then... we need to protect our children - yes! but, the greater reality is: we need to protect the people involved and stop focusing on the expression within the grand fabric of life... and why stop there... we need to be concerned as a human race, to help those in basic need, help those who are being victimized...

we are here to lift eachother through the growth we all seek... hopefully! ok... i rant - and rave... just don't tell me the image with this is porn... cuz i'll think you are nuts! (heh)

check out what i am working on...

2006-01-09T17:49:00.000-05:00

its pretty intense and would love to include everyone... looking to start building the core membership or something greater than the sum of its parts.

click here for the functioning site - needs graphics, but looking good for all works ok.

ok... been looking at my poetry lately...

2005-12-21T05:57:00.000-05:00

... man i have been playin with structure like i never did before... feel kinda weird about it, and i don't know why. i think it is because i believe good poetry doesn't follow a form, and make you see what the author wants you to see in a way that cannot fit into form, yet all of shakspeare follows a form... and it is considered the best in the land... or is it... (never liked it all that much but can appreciate the form) ok... dunnow what all this means, but i hope to find some kind of reason, or i am just gonnah follow this flow...

the holidays are upon us...

2005-12-19T19:01:00.000-05:00

... and, man, i hate the holidays... so i have a few questions...

why do we not celebrate the act of giving every day... and why are there thousands of programs for the "children" to feed, cloth, educate or save their souls... and maybe 2 adult programs that are to save those older of us that need the help?

why do we make a holiday for black history, when that is our heritage as americans...

when will we focus of the fact that 15% of the world controls 90% of the world's wealth... didn't we learn anything from the 30's? (prolly not!)

in a world of advanced technologies, why do we still use the black goop that comes out the earth to fuel our existence? why are we in denial that the stone that each of our millions of cars represent stones in the pond of our environment and they will eventually have a major affect on it! major environmental regulations affect these vehicles, but the reality is: we are filling up our ONLY pond with pollutants... each and every one of us who has a car... eventually we may have accidentally sealed out fate.

why do people fear each other when fear itself is the killer... the killer of love, acceptance, caring, minds, intimacy...

ok... i think i have ranted enough for today.

ok... decided...

2005-12-14T18:28:00.000-05:00

... man i hate trying to maintain friendships with people who always seem to think i have some dark reason for being their friend... take jarad - who - basically when i tried to position him near me so i can get the scoop on the wolves barking at the door, he totally sides with them, and dissapears... emmet who thinks i would plan a bachelor party that would not be "fun" and everything he ever wanted, to every girl i get involved with turns everything into some fly-by-nite "it was fun" but there are others i am more interested in than you... and you just have to dissapear, and act like we don't even know or did know eachother... i am constantly be-rated, sold short, and never seems that anything i do has any value for anyone...

and the crazy thing is - i am just looking to settle down, and build friendships... friendships where people are actually excited to see me and me them... it would be nice for a change, instead of fearing me... frankly - the thing that has always got me - is their is nothing to fear, but the fear itself... (heh - ok that was cliche - but applicable) i even, as i always do, choose my words very carefully - it always seems that when i am successufull at that - that aint good enough.

i will admit that i feel like it will never be good enough... at the age i am - still struggling, and no apparent people out there who wanna make a comfortable home around or with me... and if it aint happened my now - i doubt it ever will.

bet you think i am angry, bitter, and all that cliche shit... that funny thing to me is that i get sad when i think of how things have been. i am more frustrated that people focus on all negative instead of focussing on what would make them feel good or help fix the thing that makes being about or around me so terrible... i am who i am, and never said i was easy to get along with, but i also expect others to be more positive than the negative i have been getting... i just wish i was loaded with money so i could at least help others in some financial way - or at least buy someone to like me - with the way this is going - of course i am interested in just getting the basics together - would like to move onto higher needs, but until i am secure in this - i am stuck here... so i guess i am just fufulling their stereotype.

definately miss my university thursday $10 all you can drink dance nights...

oh yeah...

2005-12-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

... and miss being in the good place that the city museum brought out of my existance and being... it sucks that it is the way it is.

finding myself still searching...

2005-12-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

man, i wish i could get past the image of maya as my wife... or what she would be like today. saw the "bi*ch from hell's" and her "following" made a movie together... looks corny... wish i knew that maya was still taking picures and is becomming successful...

anyway been lax lately with this bLog... need some inspiration... positive inspiration... inspiration of some kind.

wow... what a week...

2005-11-04T17:56:00.000-05:00

... been really busy - a good thing... still need to get a feel for what is up with some people in my life who have been a bit strained as of late... out of site out of mind it seems for a few... and not surprised... dissapointed... and more later.

well... it struck me today...

2005-10-24T14:50:00.000-04:00

... i tried to talk to him, jarad, and was hung up on... last time he stopped by he said "see you in a month" and its been two... when i saw him last thursday, i chose to ignore him... because it is up to him to try and resolve this anymore for me...

i know that i have been trying... i get pissed at him a few times and this is how he reacts... from going out of my way to get tickets and include him some social events and then totally throwing it back in my face. I have had issues with just "hangin" at my crib with the idea that I was not developing my social connections, and in trying to do something about that, he has completely unsupportive... i tell him i am sick of hanging all the time, without gong somewhere to be social and meet new people, yet when i tried, he turns around and tells people that he is having issues dealing with me, instead of just talking it out, with me, he is dissing me to everyone... at least that is how it seems.

if he would talk, without the "anger" part of things, i would listen... i think if i cannot be upset with a friend, and it seems to make no difference in that friendship, then it is a good friendship... in this situation, there is little or no movement on his part to mend the friendship, or at least it seems to me, it is that way. i am sure he will find a way to show how i am being difficult or paranoid... but when trying to see what is up, and left with the knowledge that i have in this situation, it is hard to see otherwise... just wish we could get back to where we were...

hmmm... very, very, very interesting...

2005-10-21T18:23:00.000-04:00

... ok, went to cayote's place last night, saw mary (blush), tracy, leonard, cayote, max (and new grrly) and another miscillanious (new to me) CM employee... and... jarad... we avoided any conversation... and a you all reading this prolly would guess i would write about this... some friend he turned out to be - and now he hangs with all of them... i introduced them... and now i feel like a lepor... it is twisted... and he makes me kinda mad. friends don't do that... they stand up for you when the chips are down, and ask for both sides to a story without taking sides and definately try and include you in a world that you know he liked... it sucks... because i really don't get him anymore, and any time i try and ask what is up in his life, he never seems to answer me... it is f'd... and he still acts mad. sometimes i will admit i wish he would get over whatever his issues are with me... because i thought we was friends.

enough of this re-ambling on and on... composite images of ARTICA will be available next week... wanna do a collage... some new toy i wanna play wid.

anyway... it was cool to see everyone... mo later... i am sure.

well... a new day dawns...

2005-10-17T13:51:00.000-04:00

... as i stumble from my cocoon, and wander into this world, i am seeking simplicity... and a place to make things work economically for me... and it is making me a little pre-occupide, scatter-brained, and just plain neurotic...

exchanged digets with a Bulgarian woman who had an accent to die for - but alas, i am a mess financially now, and can't afford my own life, let alone trying to impress someone on a budget of nil... kinda a drag and further makes me feel a little impish.

ok... went to ARTICA this last weekend... got some kewl images... should be posting the good-uns tonight when i get home... will say it was an interesting time... people from the CM who were there we a little frustrated with me... seemed i pissed some people off with my snippy reactions that were really just attempts to diffuse my diarrea of the brain... as usual... little bit of my stupid-man-disease...

boy i need some person in my life that looks out for me... wants to care for me because they want to be there for me... so i can be there for them... it sucks being single... but i wish people would stop seeing my advances from a boy who is just outta touch with others' needs. You would be surprised how well i respond to people being "real."

my first day with a new car...

2005-10-10T06:43:00.000-04:00

... decided i am gonnah get vanity plates for my new ride... can't decide what it should say... was thinking "sqeebus", "dru-one","klaus 01", "dsgncr8", "smelly", or just "dru bee"... silly - always wanted to get one... maybe i am a dork... its fun... is all i can say... new car... new chance at some work i can dooo.... some freelance graphic design with not one specific company... just a little print job here and there... make some ends meet better than they do.

called some people at the museum... they act like i didn't even exist... it hurts.

my first entry from a widgit...

2005-10-06T21:14:00.000-04:00

pretty kewl widget that lets me post on all my bLogs from my tiger dashboard... needless to say - its nice...

a diversion...

2005-09-23T06:30:00.000-04:00

... across the dessert plain, into the windswept night, in the virtual reality within my head, and somewhere between a waking dream and a real reality - i choose to wander literally and literarily along a stream of thought... taking me down a path i know not where it will lead, as i simmer within its stream of consciousness, in the vain attempt at a silly writing exercise, rambling on in public like a madman... wishing there was more to bridge the chasms that have formed in my life between me and certain people, and wish they were not going that way - people think i don't fathom myself - wish they did fathom me.

well, wish i had good news to report...

2005-09-20T00:41:00.000-04:00

... like a second job to make ends meet, or my friend not being taken to the hospital because of dizziness, his son breaking his leg... my financial problems will and most likely boar you... they boar me at this ripe ol' age i have become (as my parents want to remind me - don't get me wrong - all i am gonnah say now is that distance has it's unique perspective)

been rummaging around my old computers - get a few up just for reading simple web pages... or at least create another, simple machine for a static viewer... i am so silly with this stuff... even got this old indego sgi... very excited and am planning on trying to see what i can get up and running on it... if at alll... the possibility even getting it goin is slim... would be cool... wanna create a stream watcher... a unix machine... free linix... possibly... also might get access to a laptop that will be making into a working "black bag" of goodies... get a better look into the traffic streaming into and out too the web... feel like i need to get some kinda "eyes on my network stream."

reminds me of when i was a kid and would string up these elaborate string riggings that would cause all these things to happen in the room... whatever i could get it to do, from opening drawers, to making some other silly thing happen, that right now... i can't seem to remember... been a while... my memory is seeming to change, what i have aptitudes for seems to be different... i feel more close to writing and have been seriously toying with writing a story... and that is all i gottah say about that for now.

welp... off to trying to keep going at cleaning... never seems to get goin... planning on pulling a all nighter to deal... sucks, but i never wanna get down to dealing with it. wish life wasn't so messy... in more ways than one.

notes on today's 9-11 - pretty quiet here in the usa

2005-09-11T23:11:00.000-04:00

I wanted to start writing this at the perfect time... and day... went for a cruse for peace today... something i feel like i need more of in my life... the last two months in my life as has been tulmutious... and Abby called... i miss her... she has been a good friend to me... in fact i thinks she's keen... and really a steller friend... i have kept her out of by blog becuase i didn't want to get her in trouble... she was always a wonderful spirit in my world that has graced me with her light and warmth... so much has happened since this was taken... it is sad that these moments got turned ugly... twisted... and into something it wasn't... then there were moments like these at the river with Abby, that make me smile... there was a lot of joy...

well - the cruse today had this beautiful sight... well... enough for this sill ol' fool... happy 9-11 all... peace is something we sadly lack... had a lot of fun just chillin with emmet on a "peace cruise" or as I like to put it "begging for money cruise"

do like emmet's new fiance - she is kewl and a free spirit... kinda sexy... kinda a relief from the everyday here... and the people all wrapped up in their own persecution complexes... this was an image from the trip up, down, and up the mississippi...

i hope everyone had a nice 9-11 - i was unusually unsettled and cynical... wish there were some real oppurtunities to help people at these peace groups that all seem to just want cash and never offer current actions to participate in... other than some march, or typical effort that never directly affects someone's life... wish i was helping in the katrina flood relief... it would be cool if i had some means. with all that is wrong, money is the one those things that keeps us working for "the man."

the internet seems to be under an attack of the spam advertisers...

2005-09-09T05:45:00.000-04:00

... man is it amazing how many people are trolling around bLoggers, eMailers, and any chat anymore trying to get their spam ads in our faces... like we would follow some anonymous stranger into their dark lair of ramped consumerism... it is really whacked. the internet has become a bunch of vultures trying to feed on us all... i for one, am trying really hard not to be an advertising victim... it is amazing - i know i would never get a loan from someone who just in an unsolicited way - eMailed me, buy viagra without a doctor writing my script and getting it from a reputable pharmacy (besides i am ingesting a medication and i like to live - one life, yah know) nor would i wanna get a larger penis using a vacuum pump (that doesn't work anyway) or take a drug (that will probably mess up something else in my body) or answer any eMail from some miscellaneous stranger for a loan, answer 20 surveys for a free single xBox to an one lonely iPod shuffle, follow some link to an unknown server for the girl who can do weird things with a cucumber, a coke bottle, and 12 angry midgets, or follow some banner that is there just to be in my face poping up in a separate window, email, or along the edge of my favorite website and have them actually expect me to click on it just because it is there... its crazy how many people want me to make my means to communicate with the outside world places for their advertising... making me a virtual billboard for their online scams, bottom feeding, or multi-level marketing business frauds. these people have become so pervasive that they have become a drone of the many, eclipsing themselves to their attemt to be effective, and are definitely surpassed and muted by the crowd of people who also wanna get some dollars out of you, me, and the next guy.

i now vow, here and now, that i will never answer one of these glaring example of consumerism. i know, sometimes as a lark, i will try one or two, then realize i am being taken down a prim-rose-path to get a fleeting SLIM chance at a prize they dangle to the masses of every-man out here... relizing that the single, lone prize, probably goes to the advertisers son, daughter, or business associate! how do we know any different?

its weird... and a waste of time, and quite frankly, and insult to my intelligence.

the only people who would follow up on these things are definitely not the majority, i hope... because if it is, i really think we need to re-consider what we are doing with our online community...

i, for one, am not and will not strive to be another advertising victim...

wishing i was financially solvent...

2005-09-05T11:38:00.000-04:00

... i am seriously stupid. I have been getting smokes on my card and have lost probably enough for rent in over draft fees... pretty stupid... and scary as shite... dunnow what i am gonnah do about it. parents have basically said no help would be comming - this movie job SHOULD bring in $1800 that would SERIOUSLY help... but there is no definate possibilty that will happen... phillip thinks i am wasting money on something... and all it is is the bank taking it for overdrafts instead of denying me, they let me spend $3.00 (multiple times), and take $25 for each transaction... it is seriously fucked. was like -$400 when i put in a $300 that should have allowed me to pay rent... let alone have a friggen phone so i can get a JOB to TRY and pay for the REST of things... welp... guess i am just a fool... wish i could catch up with some fire people who are prolly back from burning man... miss them... and miss having a "life" wish i had some money - would be nice... wish i had a phone so i could get a job... wish i had a job... wish i had unemployment to help me thru this time... wish i had the means, wish i had something more than what seems to be happening to me now... wish i could care about somegthing more importatnt than what seems to be left in my life... wish i didn't need to worry about me and be able to help others because i am ok and can handle things.... well... gonnah try and get to a barby-Q that is for the movie we did, should have a rough cutt there, and some food... just dunno how i am gonnah git thar... anyway... enough of this ramblin - gotta get some change together to try and contact some people... hopefully there will be more...

ok... wow... today was one of those days...

2005-08-28T03:54:00.000-04:00

this was for fun... scary eh? looks like someome who is nuts... and i am sure some would think i wasn't acting... that's the sad part...

today was wacked and ended with noticing a message from an old co-worker who got all kinds of weird because i just tried to do my new job and call people i thought would fit into the production i was working on - and it turned into some weird drama... anway... so sad - just wanted to get some people for some extra's for the film i am working on that is going to be submitted to sundance... man the level of negativity was harsh... and it wasn't like i was anyone special in the production - just trying to help... and not like i expected anything in return... yet - i am some ol' perverted loser with no life and a would expect the casting couch routine.... hah! as if... she could be my f'n daughter... all it shows is that people are being TOLD to not talk to me - people who i thought were my FRIENDS are having their JOB THREATENED at the museum because they are talking to me... pretty f'd.

anway... on to nicer things... just saw the 48 hour piece i worked on... check it out... A Fire Set on Fire, a production filmed in part at studio 7 in saint louis... won some awards... and is pretty funny... check it out...

currently working on another piece... check out some shots... if you have been following all the drama in my life, it has been really a blessing... it is gonna actually get submitted to sundance - hopefully it will get picked up - would be cool to be part of another success... i like when i can make the world a better place for people to have known me....

oh wait... just got a text message...

seems like i don't take credit for my own issues (hah!) I know when i am wrong... i also know when people blow things out of proportion... and would do anything to help people get along... it is sad that i am still seen as a desparate person wanting to build new obsessive connections... sad that people read so much into things... i really think that some serious bull shit has creeped into the heads of people... it is f'd... and i actually thought people liked me there... i felt the happiest i have been in years there... i wish i knew what was so wrong... it makes me sad and i know i have been seriously hurt, emotionally wounded by it all...

i know i would do anything to support the museum and help make it a better place... i just don't get what made me so offensive to everyone... the way i have been treated is a little over the top... seriously. people read way to much into things that are not there for me and they have financially screwed me by this, and yet - nobody seems to care about that... or even seems to consider it... and i am blaming others - lol - i know i was railroaded by a few people who said they were my friends and had my back - i know this because i am no fool... and didn't get to be this age by being blind. i know i seriously love seeing people think i am what they seem to think i am (btw: i hope you know what sarcasm is!) when i know and FRIENDS OF MINE seem to think different.

now i am getting the "last word" game in these text messages... man - and they thought i was dwelling... shit... it has been two months... all i was doing was asking this grrl to be an extra IN A SUNDANCE FILM and now i am a monster... man people are f'n wacked... she had to have the last word and threatin to call the cops because i replied to text messages... even asking her 3 times (in 3 three different messages) to leave me alone... still i am harrasing her! fucking very wacked... very.

i know i am not this person they paint me to be... so fuck them - if people wanna see me this way - i know i am walking the right way... its just sad that i seem to be seen so negatively and really hurts my heart and makes me wanna cry... where is the love?

all i know is it reminds me of a situation my friends wife found herself in this past week... two women were beating the crap out of someone in a quick-mart and not one of the people tried to stop it or do anything... like call the cops, or break it up and then the two women who were pummiling this lady were let out of the store to leave... life might be unfair, but damn... where is the love of the fellow man? in psych they used to talk about the famous rape case in new york where a woman was raped as bystanders did nothing... for me - i say it like i see it, and i am turned into some delusional ol' freak... what happend to being kind to all without the sexual overtones... i knew i should have never let anyone in my home or know my real age - because as soon as i do, i am percieved as a desparate loser. it sucks and is plain wrong - seriously wrong...

well... have had some beautiful kisses...

2005-08-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

... it has been a remarkble last couple of months... and i know that i will be okay... now... i am not completely a loser, nor am i un-cared for... the universe does provide if you have the patience to live, and have no demand for its compliance or facilitation... it sucks to be poor... and it sucks to be where i am in life, but i know things will work out... and just like any american - i want more... more... and even a bit more... but i really wanna just get back to the fun child-like way i was at the museum in my every day...

been hearing some sad things about some friends at the museum... and wish there was something i could do for them... anyway... more later... gonnah get out and "hang" at the local coffee shop and do some data-entry... sucks... but someone has got to get it done.

on the set of "spirol"

2005-08-21T13:51:00.000-04:00

... in the ever slow desent to madness (or at least what this film portrays as what that would look like) pretty sad in fact - the story - the filming is pretty cool and could seriously make this an awesome film, the director/camera man is doin an awesome job from what I can see... it is all going to be the editing that makes this work.

i am here, just waiting to be put to work... so i thought i would just get to putting another entry in, since i have been sorta away from all of this, and miss just cutting loose on here... getting what is in my head out - what has been really interesting in this process is the amout people have identified with where i am in life and how it has manifested in the real-world converstaions...

found out yesterday that the guy that had 60% of the issue of my firing has been "shit-canned" from what i have been told it was described as... all i gotta say is i spent yesterday with a "shit-eating-grin" on my face... i will admit i feel a little bad about feeling glad someone else was fired, but - all i gotta say is - it really felt like just desserts.

finally should have found my singing telegram people, but i still need to decide how to "frame" the song and determined how it will be psudo-done - just need a "ragity-and and andy" costume or something along those lines... all i gottah say - i know it is approprate for the space, and will lighten their day... i miss the space... and hope there is more for me there... in some capacity... if at all... depends if someone is still working there.

ok... another day passes...

2005-08-17T19:07:00.000-04:00

... and still deeper in a financial hole and no idea how i am gonnah get out of it - just don't know what i am gonnah do - job prospects were pretty slim in the paper today... and don't know what, where or how i am gonnah get outtah this mess this time... 3 days away from no phone and 10 days away from no power.

amazed at the number of responses...

2005-08-16T18:48:00.000-04:00

... i just finished moving my bLog here, and began to get tons of others who began to respond, finally... i actually feel like there are people out thar that actually read some of my drivel... i also saw a lot of respondents focus on the fact that i should stop waiting for others to make things happen for me... yet nothing happens in this world without someone actually willing to make a commitment to work with me, and not just get frustrated with me and leave me to the wolves of the money lenders... i need a viable revenue source in the next 10 days of i will have nothing left... that is the thing that scares me... anyway... more complainin later.

burningman is starting to gear up...

2005-08-15T20:03:00.000-04:00

... and i am stuck here in the midwest... wish there was a way for me to go... been wanting to go for years... feel like it would be like a brilliant way for me to bring my soul closer to making real environmental art... just wish i could get into a group that was doing a project and wanted or let me help... people seem to not see me as someone who could bring something to the table... been that way my whole life... it seems. dunno... maybe i am missing the point.

well... at least i have till next year to improve my chances of goin then... hopefully.

gottah love free access...

2005-08-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

... don't wanna say too much, but it looks like my provider has turned on my connection again... will allow me to make some $$$ from home... thank god... anyway... here i am, at home... it is nice to be here... working.

it's been a month and i still miss my old job... even when they started on me the way they did... so much has shut down as far as the people at the city museum for me... my life doesn't mesh anymore... and that makes me sad. very... i am gonnah have to make a choice about sunday... and i am not sure what to do... i really wish my friend wasn't moving to florida... it makes me sad.

i really don't care if jarad calls or stops by again... he went mia when all the city museum karmah went south... so i dunno how i feel at this point anymore... thought he was a friend, but the last time he was here, he was hostile... so i dunno... it sucks that he has gotten to this point... i usually make people nuts... or at least it feels that way...

but as i write this, i am drawn to the idea that i am better for having seen that even in such a place that promotes such acceptance and warmth, that the people have co-opted the illusion and turn the behind the scenes karmah into a state secret that has the horns of the sumarian devil... it sucks... i know i am better than that, and yet, it still hurts me... makes me sad.

it is just that i know there was a group that was looking for enough to boot me... and they got the tickets... so to speak... anyway... sucks to be me some days... and this is why i think so.

end of a kewl day...

2005-07-30T22:09:00.000-04:00

well the film started today... shooting schedule changed... and my attitude was a bit off, but it went well... think they got something with this production - cool gorrilla style... homespun... and for that it is cool. very cool karmah about... hope it works out...

ok here i am...

2005-07-28T19:11:00.000-04:00

and i can't bring myself to write... but here i am doing it anyway, going to be working this film this weekend, and they actually want me to work sound... or be script supervisor... scary... i hope i can handle this... it makes me scared that i am trying to do something out of my normal ability, and i wanna not mess it up. i wanna be successful in life and actually make some money and be able to afford my life... at my age i would like to.

out, about and in the new mindactive studio...

2005-07-27T12:42:00.000-04:00

... things a bit jury rigged here... waiting for new power supplies and a bit of moving around and setup left to do... in fact, that is why i am here... also starting the 3 day renders... soooo psyched... gonnah look kewl. also goht bryce 5.5 - think i am happy - will see when i start using it. mind in several places today... might have a room-mate possibility... gonnah see.... but still looking... photo book is basically done. been doing a ton at www.artasaptrade.com, pretty kewl... take a look. more later.

well... again at the blackberry...

2005-07-25T20:07:00.000-04:00

... feel like the name is like the 'roxberry' in the saturday night live skit... anyway did like another 30 entries into the database today and got a call from a buddy, who is gonnah take me out! woooooo-whoooo - being taken out by a grrrrrl... cute, freakled one at that! anyway... gotta go get gussied up, gonnah go see an aussie band in the loop... psyched. i am sure to do more tomorrow, as i will be here at it again... till then, then.

too tired to bLog...

2005-07-25T11:01:00.000-04:00

... nooo - don't make me bLog... i will walk the plank! i will!

well... here i am... and a little excited...

2005-07-22T17:44:00.000-04:00

... going to be working on a film this next month - little gorilla filming on the weekends... talk of submitting it to sundance this year! hope it does as well as the last film project i worked on... anyway - back to some programming then i work on some data entry in the a.m... anyway... more later.

wow...

2005-07-22T15:47:00.000-04:00

... it is all i gottah say... wow.

wow... jarad shows up outtah the blue...

2005-07-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

... and wakes me up... banging on my door, no call first... just shows up... doesn't understand why i would wanna have a convo in public, then leaves with a "see you in a month" comment like i am being punished for "being so wrapped up in myself" and he storms off... it is frustrating - i provided several oppurtunities for him to meet me in a public place to talk... public because he would have to moderate his tone with me... because i could see his hostility, thinking i am jumping to conclusions when i had no other information from him... and all this city museum crud goes down, and then all i get is all of this negative stuff i heard from others, instead of directly from him... but when i got to talk to him today, he was already in a pissed mode... i really wish i knew what i did... it seems he thinks i am wrapped up in my own shit, and for that he may be right, but i thought we were friends... all of this drama is really making my heart hurt some more... miss chillin with him...

well... another day in my paradise...

2005-07-20T20:04:00.000-04:00

... its amazing - the woman who took my job - just stopped going... boy they screwed themsevles and it makes me laugh...

also turns out also i was right about it all... and that is even makes me happier... but doesn't change the fact that i got fired over his inability to just be like we were before he got his position... it was like jeckle and hyde - at one point we were friends... then we weren't - it was psycho. i tried on several occations to solve it. i even remember thinking i was glad we became friends and even told him so before all the no-friend karmah started...

well - anyway... i have always tried 110% to be honest with my friends... and it sucks when it always seems to turn negative and i end up the villian... or at least it feels that way - sometimes just being is enough for me - but never enough for others... what can i say?

i just miss my world i was living in for the past 9 months... wish i was making more... and was able to get my healthcare... would have allowed me to get my body fixed...

just wish there was a place i could make home without all this negativity surrounding me... it makes my heart hurt... and non of this ever really mattered to anyone else... this i know....

some of my aquaitences at the museum seemed to care about my well being but i feel like it was to see if i was truly psycho and would do something nuts... but here i am... stood up for the gardens... and out of sight, out of mind.

but who cares how i feel - i am a guy - i should be able to "man-up" (a nick-ism) but i refuse to deny who i am and not share it all... i am just tired of this short end of the stick i keep ending with... it sucks... i am alive and kicking... just wish it wasn't such a struggle, and feel like it will be forever - and that scares me...

but who really cares... i mean really.

culture jamming - gottah love it!

2005-07-19T20:22:00.000-04:00

During a campaign to get Home Depot to stop selling old-growth forest products, a enviromental action group managed to appropriate the code for all of Home Depot's intercom systems.

At 162 stores on the same day, customers were treated to this message:

"Attention, Home Depot shoppers! There's a sale on wood in Aisle 13. This wood has been ripped from the heart of the Amazon basin. There may be some blood spilled on the floor, so please be careful. This wood is leading to the dislocation of indigenous communities, soil degradation, and the destruction of Mother Earth."

From an article here
The New Ford Focus... check out the 5th paragraph.

lol... pretty awesome!

good morning cruel world...

2005-07-19T08:36:00.000-04:00

... every day above ground, is a good day for me... up and bright eyed and busy tailed to do some pre-dawn work... had a 3 hour "hiatis" and am back at it...

in a pretty good mood today... lets hope it stays that way... tired of all the negativism in my life... people have no idea. I do know i plan to push the crap out of my bLogs... it will be interesting what happens to em... i just know i have been finding my writing here very relaxing way to get into me back to... well - me! i just know this past month has made me wanna have a heart attack... because it felt like it was broke by several people... wish they just knew their presence was appreciated... anyway... on to bigger better things.... and that is fine too... its just things could have worked out way better and i would have been happy with that too... even with the struggle... it was worth the sacrifice....

anyway gotta move on... get back to it.... catch ya on the flip side.

in the ever present ether of the night...

2005-07-19T02:31:00.000-04:00

... ok... i am pathetic... to get some work done - i found a good place to work with power... outside... with wi-fi! wooo-whooo! so i can work till 6 am... more later as time permits...

i am uploading some kewl stuff... looks neat...

standing on this earth...

2005-07-18T15:46:00.000-04:00

... and i see a lot of needless fear, anxiaty, and many people taking drugs for them... i will admit to being a bit of a party-boy - but i have not and never will be one who is perscribed some mental mood leveling drung that many others are on as a first choice. Many of these people believe they will need these drugs and their side effects for the rest of their lives... and that is scary and very unhealthy... in america we think drugs will solve anything - the magic pill for all that ails us is the quest it seems for many of us so that we can continue living the way we do... as long as we got gas for our gas guzzlin bronko and we can live free.

when i got to saint louis, i was amazed at the number of single person cars there were... one person per car... it made me think... rising gas prices, everyone using their own car... instead of conserving... pretty weird. it seems so obvious to me... am i missing something here?

ok... i am done... for now... just think that people need to be more real and value our friendships... they are gone before you know it sometimes... it is a sad way of things for me these days. i am a survivor and always will be... just wish people didn't want to judge me to better their place in the world. ok... i am ranting... must be! (lol)

what can i say... my family has made me hurt for two years now... my best friend since i was 15 just had a heart attack, and that scared me too... some of my recient "friends" have hurt me... and yet others have been amazing and wonderful... but here i am... inches away from being on the street... and that is scary... but my reality.

the funny thing is get the distinct impression some think i would wanna take this out in some destructive manner - which is completely nuts to me. (oh, again - NOT ME!) i just wish there wasn't so much "hard feelings" toward me... i miss my slide-a-day routine... i miss encouraging people to explore... providing the un-expected in a fun and childish manner... it is weird how cold things are... it sucks... and not me.

every message was an attempt to work things out... and yet is not seen that way... it is completely psycho to me. i know what i am about, and all of this is crazy and wrong. but knowing i am a few steps back in making an art carreer bums me out too... i just think people really pulled a 'smack-down' on me... got a kick when the one guy [nick] who was instrimental in my demise started talking shit to everyone about me... and played me like he was played back in pennsylvania... then has the nerve to call me and say he had nothing to do with it... to think i am that stupid! (lol) anyway - all water under the bridge to another land... the new and open garden of creative energy... another group to alienate with being me and real... unlike some.

here i am writing again...

2005-07-17T19:15:00.001-04:00

... was just getting depressed about how my family has been... then out of the blue - two friends call and invite me to listen to some "riligious-blue-hair" music... too long to explain... but it was nice to be invited... even thought of.

ok... man my family sucks...

2005-07-17T19:15:00.000-04:00

... here i am doing something important to me... actually pursuing something i have wanted to do for years, or at least since i was 8... but definately want to include them and they all have basically opt-ed out of the tribe... they didn't even call to talk about it all... or even try and show love and support by joining or have visted and have yet to share any comments, or give me any feedback... pretty f'd and pretty predictable and makes me very sad.